MAYBE IT'S TIME TO RETURN ME TO ME

WOW 2014 already - maybe this time I can find it in me to start writing again.  I am not sure about my music escapades however, that wound is deep, but I can surely share my heart and my soul in other creative ways.  a few photos from my 2014 summer - a time where I find myself fighting my fears and coming out of my shell a little bit, letting go and relaxing and making a conscious effort to do it my way!!!

enjoy....

 

 

 

5 years and some

crap....i can't believe another 5 years has passed me by!! more so i am super surprised that i remembered my user name and password. well apparently i did so here i am....give me a few days and i will post some thing long and hopefully substantial.

so much has changed

i can't believe it's been over a year.........i started this blog on sept 13, 2004 and now being nostalgic i am here thinking ya, it's been a year and what have i done.

i remember 9/11 but i don't remember what year, i remember 9/11 because it's my friends birthday, i remember 9/11 because i couldn't function that day, i remember 9/11 because my boss invited us all to her house for an extended pizza lunch. to think, to ponder, to be together, to mourn, to grieve, to be greatful (that came after) to honor, and most importantly to change.

so how have i changed, well, i changed jobs in the last year. change can be good, change can be bad but all change somehow shapes us to be different. my new job has changed me in different ways, i am still who i am but i work a little more and i find value in things that i hadn't before.

thats good and thats not good.

i have been troubled for sure over the last twelve months. again wondering, ah, what the hell is going on!!!

this has no relevance to this post but i spoke to my father tonight, he mentioned how tall my 16 year old son is and i said i thought it odd that he is already 6 foot 3 but my father said no that's not odd my father was 6 foot 3 and i was surprised because my father is only 5 foot 5.

i thought that's stange, but then he told me he might very well have been taller expect he remembers being hungry during the war and thinks that maybe because he didn't get the nutrition he needed in his 12th year that maybe that affected his growth...................and now there is mcdonalds.

yes, this is turning into more of a rant than anything but i was thinking how sad to be 71 and still remember hunger. Have we not accomplished anything in all that time.

why do we still know hunger.

in peace

bella

this is.....

this is where i take my children when i can't breath anymore

this is what i want them to see

(this picutre was taken on my father's farm)

i can paralyze my pain

this photo is the "Pulitzer prize" winning photo taken in 1994 during the Sudan famine.
the picture depics a famine stircken child crawling toward a United Nations food camp,
located a kilometer away.
the vulture is waiting for the child to die so that it can eat it.
the picture shocked the whole world.
no one knows what happend to the child,
including the photograper Kevin Carter who left the place as soon as the photo was taken.three months later he committed suicide due to depression.

thank you kevin carter

i am able to detach myself from the images that lay before
i am able to remove myslef from the world that is dying
can i compromise, can i improvise, can i paralyze your pain
i am able to forget the world, the children who are dying
and i am able to replace the thoughts of reality that lay before me
i can compromise, i can improvise, i can paralyze my pain
© bella

it's a white world

IT’S A WHITE STORY IF YOU BELIEVE
AND IT’S A WHITE MANS WORLD IF YOU CAN’T SEE
THE COLOR OF THIS LAND LAYS DEEPER THEN THE SAND
YET WE all DIG OUR GRAVES 4 FEET DEEP

THERE IS NO SIGNIFICANCE IN THE RIGHT OR WRONG
WE COULD ARGUE THIS AND ALWAYS BELIEVE
WE ARE CARRYING SOCIETY’S BLOOD IN OUR HANDS
WE ARE CONDONING THE WAYS OF THIS LAND

They are the ones who are there for you
They will fall down on there knees
They will bury all the people who were meant to be
They will fall down on there knees

IT’S A FAIRY TALE, DEEP IN YOUR HEART
IT’S THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE
IT’S THE SUNRISE, EARLY IN THE MORNING
It’s the only moment of peace

THERE IS NO SIGNIFICANCE IN THE RIGHT OR WRONG
WE COULD ARGUE THIS AND still BELIEVE
WE ARE CARRYING the children’s BLOOD IN OUR HANDS
WE ARE CONDONING THE Wars OF THIS LAND

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IF IT’S GREEN OR BLACK OR WHITE
It makes no difference to me because

They are the ones who are there for me
They will fall down on there knees
They will bury all the children who where meant to be
Then they will fall down on there knees

Catlin's Creed

I love a people who have always made me welcome to the best they had.
I love a people who are honest without laws, who have no jails and no poorhouses.
I love a people who keep the commandments without ever having read them or heard them preached from the pulpit.
I love a people who never swear, who never take the name of God in vain.
I love a people who love their neighbors as they love themselves.
I love a people who worship God without a bible, for I believe that God loves them also.
I love a people whose religion is all the same, and who are free from religious animosities.
I love a people who have never raised a hand against me, or stolen my property, where there was no law to punish for either.
I love a people who have never fought a battle with white men, except on their own ground.
I love and don’t fear mankind where God has made and left them, for there they are children.
I love a people who live and keep what is their own without locks and keys.
I love all people who do the best they can.
And oh, how I love a people who don’t live for the love of money!

George Catlin (1796-1872)

sometimes it hurts

sometimes it hurts to read it
sometimes it hurts to breath

smothered in a pleasent way
or one we are lead to believe

catered to in a decadent way
or are we slaves to these technological days

i am shamed at what i see
the hidden burden it does not relieve

the expectations of ones own self worth
can be found on any label

i hate pink

Compassion is the best healer.

-Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Ultimate Healing

release me

oh mother, where are you today
oh mother, is everything ok
your death has brought me life
i’m not worthy of your pain
oh mother

oh father, where are you today
oh father, is everything ok
you brought me life
but i’m not worthy of your name
dear father

release me, release me from my name
release me, release from this shame
release me from my pain release me………

oh children, where are you today
dear children, is everything ok
your death has brought me pain
I’m not worthy of your name
little children

oh people, where are you today
oh dear people, is everything ok
this world has brought us shame
were not worthy of this fame
oh people…………

release me, release me from my name
release me, release from this shame
release me from my pain release me………

© c.bergsma 2004

hear me

Hear me, oh hear me
This is no voice of an angel

See me, oh see me
There’s not a mountain I can serve

Feel me, oh feel me
Do you dare to touch my soul

Find me, oh find me
A silent place that I deserve

There’s that little place
Well I can’t take you there
There’s that secret place
That I can’t bare to share
There’s that tragic face
That takes us to despair
We are there

© c.bergsma 1996

he loves you all the same

It’s pathetically green with a hint of yellow at the seam
and I’m hoping you can smile threw these odds
It’s cold in here but it’s not what it seems and I’m wondering if you’ve given it any thought

He's still standing there with his heart on his sleeve
And he’s waiting patiently, he’s waiting patiently
He screams at me while hearts beat like a butterfly
While the sadness of your soul will follow you till you die
But he loves you all the same
Ya he loves you all the same

It’s probably not how it seems, when you give it all you’ve got,
it’s all you could do against your odds
And what you know is simply all you forgot, hiding the truth in your heart

You left him standing there with his heart on his sleeve
And he’s waiting patiently, he’s waiting patiently
He screams at me while hearts beat like a butterfly
The darkness of your soul will follow you till you die
But he loves you all the same
Ya he loves you all the same

It’s hard to say these things, without laying the blame, we did what we had to do against all odds
It’s hard to say if anything really could have changed, when reality was lost in our thoughts

We left him standing there
With his heart on his sleeve
And he’s waiting patiently
He’s waiting patiently

He screams at me while hearts beat like a butterfly
While the sadness of my soul will follow me till I die
And he love me all the same
And he love me all the same

© c.bergsma